I could have skipped it and gone another way, but I chose not to. I have walked on a trail by my house for a couple of years, watching the magic of nature slip from one season into the next.
On humid summer evenings with the air so still, I have come upon deer making their way through the tall grass trying not to be detected.
Nothing compares to a day when a slight breeze picks up, and you are strolling through a brief, unexpected dry leaf shower. The leaves in the fall brilliantly turn to flaming reds and gold before they lose their grip. They gently come down as if God Himself is sprinkling you with a message of His divine presence.
Winter, harsh at times in this wooded area, always makes me stop just for a second to see what possibly could still be alive and moving in the frequently subzero temperatures. Typically, the pathway through is plowed and pretty easy to navigate.
But not this time. I saw as I crossed the street that the snow bank to the entrance was high, and it wasn’t going to be the usual walk without a challenge. I considered turning around but decided to make the best of it. I second-guessed myself as the initial bits of snow began to pack around my ankles inside my boots.
Someone had been there before me, so wherever I could, I slipped my foot inside their left behind shoe print. If you have ever tried walking fast through wet sand, it’s similar in that you feel like you are putting in a lot of effort to move forward while feeling like you aren’t making much progress. The only thing that feels like it is being produced is a cold sweat.
It looked like 2022 for me, where each day felt like only a little was being accomplished, but I was striving.
Before the halfway mark, I had the opportunity to exit onto the street, but I decided that my legs weren’t on fire enough and my muscles could use a little more toning. I can be stubborn like that. My jeans will fit me better later, is my thinking.
I encountered a particularly rough spot where I had to have my feet apart and straddling, much like running through an obstacle course of old tires. I half expected a guy to appear with a military haircut, blow a whistle at me, and tell me to hurry up.
Nature provided me with an outdoor gym, and I inhaled as much fresh air as my lungs could take. I wasn’t enjoying the scenery as much because I had to watch where I was going continually. Usually, I can be in autopilot mode, but the situation forced me to pay attention to every move I made.
As I came to the end, I wondered who would use my blazed trail to their advantage if they were caught unaware of it being piled up with snow.
A few weeks ago, before Christmas, while considering my not-so-great financial state, I saw a clear memory in my mind’s eye, heard that still, small voice, and I wrote this in a notebook:
Every month I have shown My faithfulness to you as you have had to rely on Me. You have felt the pressure of the world bearing down on you as you have tried to walk the way I have told you to go. You have followed in My footsteps. Think of when you were young, and an older brother of yours walked ahead of you to make it easier for you to walk through deep snow.
I am that good Father. I am putting my steps before you so you can put your feet where Mine are. The snow won’t be deep. It will be a depth that you will be able to handle. I will never let you go under or fail you.
It seems at times like it’s all the same. It appears to be the same as always, but it isn’t. I am having you put your feet where Mine go before you so you can walk. You are My daughter. I look at you like my little child, full of such wisdom and knowledge. Do not fear the month. Do you see My steps for you to follow? (Yes) Then that’s all you need to do. Just listen to Me and do what you hear. I will never fail you. Just walk in my footsteps and stay with Me.
I will lead you to greater places outside of this box you now dwell in. For now, just go each day and know how much I can make all things perfect. My plan for your life is perfectly made.
By the time I got home, my socks were soaking wet, and chunks of snow were clinging to my pants, but I had gotten in one of the best workouts that cost me nothing but an hour. If I had listened to the “rational” voice, I wouldn’t have chosen the way I did. I would have walked on the sidewalk or the street like everyone else, forgoing the struggle. But what is there to gain by doing what everyone else is?
Going the unconventional way while everyone else is wondering why you aren’t taking the seemingly more effortless way out is a part of the mystery of following God. Different voices have asked me why I have lived my life a certain way in the last year. The only thing I can say is that I have tried to allow God to do a work in me.
While I struggled on the trail, I added my steps to that of others to make it easier for anyone coming by later.
While trying to figure out my life and how to serve God best that’s the most rewarding part.
Proverbs 11:25 says:
The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped.
There have been days when I could barely get out of bed, but I did anyway. Mainly because of my 14-year-old dog, who wants to go outside and come charging back in to eat. Who can say no to that?
There have been times of great mental torment, like when my car broke down, and I sat paralyzed by a panic attack in a rental car for nearly 40 minutes. A day when I grabbed a pillow at noon and didn’t leave the couch as my body kept going into deep periods of sleep. Others where I lost my ability to smile when it has always come to me so easily up until then—sitting with nothing to say as I listened to everyone else in public carry on conversations looking like they didn’t have a care in the world. And, I felt like I was under the weight of it.
The snow has been deep, and I have felt frozen, but His footsteps have been there, leading me forward.
“Do I need these?” I asked, holding up a pair of workout pants and showing them to my daughter, standing across from me at a table where humanity had trampled through and thrown all the sizes everywhere. I had finally unearthed what I thought would fit.
I hadn’t paid much attention to the lady standing next to me, folding, sorting, and putting them back in order. I saw her nametag briefly, but I was not focusing my attention on her. Instead, I was consumed by an inward mental battle with a nagging voice telling me to leave the store and not come back.
The harassment started in the parking lot before I was out of the car.
“You don’t belong here. This is for people who have money. You don’t have any, so turn around and go back home!“
I had not heeded its advice and dragged myself through the door. How I ended up in a clothing section was beyond me. I should have been shopping for food to live, not clothes. That is why I asked,
“Do I need these?”
The woman next to me said,
“Need? I don’t think that has ever stopped me from spending money. I look at things, decide that I want them, and buy.”
Now, she had my full attention. I grabbed two pairs and moved to her other side. They were on sale for a really low price, and I did need them. My other ones were starting to fall apart.
“When you go through some things financially, you start to ask yourself that question a lot,” I said.
I noticed she had a smile the entire time she worked correcting the chaos of what the public had created.
When I got to the other side of the table facing her, I had the familiar light-headed feeling take over. This comes right when I know that I have been placed in the path of someone who needs to hear something from someone in heaven.
Without me asking much, she told me she had gotten a divorce from a chemically dependent man and had children with him. She was now with a new person who she said did everything for her.
“I don’t need to work now, but I do.”
As she spoke, I saw a woman, a hologram-like person, stand behind her on her right.
“Do you have family?” I knew it was her mom, but I didn’t assume. I never do.
“Not really. I have a dad, but my mom died..”
Before she finished her sentence, I said,
“She is standing right behind you to your right with her hand on your shoulder. She is proud of the decision you made to get the divorce. You will go on to have grandchildren, your ex-husband will get remarried, and many more family members will come from that.”
“I like that,” she said.
I saw her surrounded by many people, resulting from her one decision to give up fighting something that would never change.
Her smile got brighter and brighter.
“Did your mom have a favorite color? I think you will start to see the color pink, and when you do, that’s her.”
She held up her freshly manicured nails, and they were bright pink.
“Pink was her favorite color, so I picked it.”
“Do you celebrate her birthday? Because I feel she would want you to celebrate her passing to heaven more than her birthday.”
“Yes, we always have a party on the day she passed. She had cancer, and she died 16 years ago. That date is coming up in a couple of weeks. Just before you and I started talking, I saw a lady who looked just like her walk past.”
I told her that her decision to leave behind what wasn’t working would open the door for more to come in.
All of this over a couple of pairs of pants that I was not so sure I should get. I left Laura to go about her business happily, and I was suddenly not afraid to get myself new clothes.
From there, I went through a drive-thru, and as I was waiting, I saw a young blonde girl filling up a machine with ice. I got her attention, and she came to the window.
“I think you are supposed to go to school. Are you putting it off?”
Her eyes were enormous, and unlike in my other encounter, she only nodded her head and verbalized nothing.
“Your grandpa, who is in heaven, is trying to tell you that now is the time. Don’t put it off. This is the time. And don’t worry about the money. Are you worried about the money part of it?”
I saw tears fill her huge eyes, and she nodded yes. It was like a paralysis had taken over, and she was frozen, staring at me while the words came at her.
“Start filling out the paperwork and go now. You will be able to communicate with animals like no one else can, and you will be very successful.”
It’s incredible for me to watch absolute strangers be told things that I would have no clue knowing. By the time her coworker handed me the bag, she was smiling through the tears and promising to look into becoming a vet.
A few weeks later, I was in a store with my brother, and he needed light bulbs. A woman came around a corner out of nowhere and asked if we needed help.
He told her what he needed, and she meticulously walked him through every choice of light bulb he could choose. She was very experienced in knowing what she was saying and seemed to do this effortlessly. Thomas Edison would have been impressed.
As she walked away, I felt that familiar pull to give her a message she needed to hear.
“I need to tell her something,” I said as I watched her walk away. I noticed her shirt was slightly stained in the back, like she didn’t have a lot of money to buy herself new things.
I know the feeling, and I have found that what I have experienced has made me hyper-aware of those walking that road.
As I chased her down, my brother said,
“Is this going to be like Touched By an Angel?”
He knows I do this once in a while when God asks me.
I ignored him.
“Excuse me,” I said, trying not to get the whole store looking our way.
“I have to tell you something.”
I explained that this was just a starting point for her and that she would quickly climb the ladder of success. That promotions would come her way quickly, and her co-workers might get a little jealous, but to cast it aside.
“You are loyal and trustworthy with a good heart. That is leading you through, and someone on the other side is helping open doors for you. That’s why you are moving up so quickly. You will outgrow this place and move way up higher.” I could see far in advance.
“I have only been here two months, and they have given me two promotions already, which is unusual.”
That’s about all she said because, once again, I think the shock of hearing all of her life secrets, good ones, being spilled out was overwhelming to take in.
She kept saying thank you and then returned to her work. I feel Emily will never forget that she met God in the middle of the cleaning section of a hardware store.
We moved on to the cash registers, where a lady was waiting with no one in her line.
“You need to ask her who is sick that she knows.“
I didn’t want to do that. I tried to get through and get out the door. The question seemed too invasive and might not even be true. When I got to the door, I had to go back.
She was standing at the end of her lane, waiting for customers to come.
“I have to ask you a question,” I said. “I can see heaven, and I have been told to ask you who is sick that you know.”
“My sister’s son,” she said. She went on to tell me he was in the end stage of disease.
“He has an angel standing next to him,” I said.
“My sister has spoken to that angel,”
“Tell her that this confirms she is right about it.”
I saw the future and that a grandfather figure would be showing up to take him to heaven.
She told me that his dad had passed on as well.
Both of us were near tears as I said,
“Both men will pick him up and take him to heaven. Tell your sister he will be okay. He probably will say he sees them before he moves on.”
“We believe. Thank you for saying all this. I will tell her.”
The next night, I visited my dad in a rehab he has been in for about a month. Later in the evening, the med technician came in to give him his pills. She introduced herself, and I told her who I was.
I began to see a grandmother figure.
“She needs to know she is going to have kids soon. You have to tell her,” said the whisper.
Oh, gosh, no! I cannot tell someone they are going to have a baby. What if she doesn’t want one? I thought I would make a big mistake, but when God wants to use your mouth, you and your opinion don’t matter.
I started with the soft sell.
I explained that I could see and hear heaven; then, I asked questions about her life. Was she married? Yes. Did she have brothers and sisters? Yes.
And then, she opened the door for me to move in a bit further.
“Does anyone have kids in the family?”
“My brothers and sisters do.”
“You will. You are going to have kids soon.”
I watched her eyes get that shocked look.
“You are going to have a big family. They will be musical. I see piano players and singers. And this is probably going to happen before you have thought it possible. You are waiting for the money to show up, right?”
She was wearing a mask, and I could see now that her smile was reaching her eyes.
“Yes, I will stay home and home-school when we have a family. My husband wants a big family, and his whole family is very musical.”
I told her some more, and she looked at my daughter and said,
“Does she do this all the time?”
I sensed she was a bit scared it would happen the next day. As if she would wake up with ten kids all wanting breakfast.
“This will come to you naturally, but it is coming sooner than you think. When your husband gets a raise, which will be soon, that is your sign.”
She said this would make her husband so happy and left with a big smile.
Crisis averted for me. That one seemed like a big and frightening jump.
I don’t have to look for them; they sometimes come to me.
Like the nursing assistant who told me she had just visited her neighbor who was dying.
“Did you feel the angels in the room? There are two, one by the foot and the head of his bed.”
“I told them I could feel the angels in the room when I went to visit.”
“There are two of them, and his grandma is coming to get him.”
“His wife kept talking about his grandparents, and he gets to see them again,” she said.
“Yes. They will escort him into heaven.”
I can always see when the words bring comfort too.
“Ask her if she is a teacher.”
Going out on a limb, I asked,
“Are you a teacher? I hear the word teacher.”
I hadn’t ever had a conversation with this woman who works at an assisted living where I was visiting a hospice patient.
“Yes. I am a teacher.”
“This job will end, and that will be your job again, but less stressful.”
She told me she taught English to children who were disabled and that it has been very overwhelming.
“It won’t be next time, so don’t turn it away. You’re a teacher, and that’s your life path.”
She walked away smiling, raising her hands to the ceiling and thanking God.
There is a promise that God will always keep you in sight and not forsake you, but the world can convince us otherwise. There’s a wearing down process that can take place, making some of us wonder if any of this has a point.
When I am sent to strangers with details I shouldn’t know, there is no denying that everything needed is seen, and the Creator of all is longing to reach us through a loving encounter.
The color red has been my favorite for a long time. I’m drawn to it like a moth is to a flame. When asked to select a color in kindergarten, I always chose this shade. Most of the time, this boy always wanted whatever I had. And when we were expected to trade, I looked for someone who had it so I could keep it.
This was well before speed dating and swiping past profiles. And Tinder.
I would always look for someone else to exchange with, and he would follow me. Not quietly but relentlessly, making it apparent that he wanted my attention more than my Crayola. The day that the teacher saw me ignoring him and made me publicly make the trade was the last day I avoided him.
I felt like she spotlighted me, and everyone was looking at us. I quickly handed over what he wanted and tried to pretend he wasn’t there.
But whenever we switched to another color, he was right there, waiting for me to give mine to him.
It killed me to use blue, green, or whatever choice he took without thinking. There was no alliance between him and what he randomly grabbed from the box.
Mine was my Ruby birth color, and I knew it was significant even at age five. It was the last stone on my mom’s Mother’s ring that housed five others. I found out later they had to break the ring and make room for mine on the end.
Of course, they did.
Anytime I pick a game piece or am required to create a character if I can get red or an equivalent of it, I try to. When with people who also seem to have this affinity and take it before I can claim it, a part of me dies inside. It’s the kid from kindergarten rearing his ugly head. But, I never say. I go with yellow or some other meaningless option.
I have found you can be defeated whether you play with your favorite color or not. The only consolation is that you at least had that in your possession at the start space.
It’s not surprising to me now that I have a neighbor named Red who drives a red truck.
I have lived in my house for thirty-one years, and my front window faces a busy street where I have seen kids catch busses for school and the same ones graduate and go to college. You don’t realize who is around you until they aren’t anymore.
A few months ago, my daughter and I noticed that this man and his wife were no longer buzzing by every morning at 9 am. Even when I wasn’t working from home, I would see them go by. Stop sign and a left turn.
Suddenly, it wasn’t happening anymore.
“I think you are supposed to help him with hospice for his wife,” she said one day, as she does, and it goes through me like electricity.
That would have been great, but I didn’t know him. I had waved and acknowledged his existence all the years I have lived in my house. I watched a while ago as she started to show signs of having a stroke.
One arm hung down at her side, and he did all the yard work alone. But, every day, they drove past my house.
“I bet they go get coffee,” I said to my daughter. We would often try to guess where they were off to.
So when she said I was to help him, I started paying more attention. The lights were on, but no one was home. He was coming home later at night and started going on walks with a large wooden staff like Moses.
“You have to help them,” she said. As I looked out the window, I watched him in a very slow and sad saunter up the street.
Then I flashed back mentally to 2020—the political yard signs. I saw them and gave them little thought. I had decided to disassociate myself from it. Does it exist in heaven? Then I don’t want anything to do with it.
I know I always get the speech that if I don’t vote, bad, bad things will happen. The horror of horrors! You don’t vote? Your one vote is needed. You are why, Chris, this country is going to the dogs.
To each, their own, and mine is to stay out of the fray.
I listened to comments from those supporting the “opposing” side when they noticed the signs proudly displayed.
“They support them? They are so brainwashed and delusional!”
And I have heard the other side say the same thing.
One day recently, I saw him outside. I ran out the front door and across the street before he could disappear.
I introduced myself, and he said his name was Red. My daughter and I were right in our assessment of him being alone. I found out that his wife is in a care facility near his home. I offered to help him in any way I could, including taking things for donation as he was getting ready to sell the house in the future.
I told him I volunteered for hospice and to let me know if it ever came to that.
He came to my door the other night wanting the hospice’s name. It’s now been determined this is where the situation is.
I gave him the information, and I saw his sadness. There’s no running away from it, and he’s in the most challenging part of the walk.
My daughter’s words were true when I had no idea what was happening.
He came back to get my full name, but I wasn’t home. I caught him the next day in his yard. He was removing plants so the siding could be redone.
I followed him into his house so I could write my name on a sheet of paper. On the way in, I saw it.
In the garage, at least 20 bright red with white lettering I Voted stickers were hanging on a cabinet showing his former treks to the voting booth.
I scribbled my name on a sheet of paper and looked at the surroundings of very feminine collectibles. Even though she was absent, her presence was everywhere I looked.
He told me he and his daughter would start going through belongings to give away.
He pointed to many of the items surrounding us and said,
“She could tell you where she got each one.”
As was the case with me, going through a divorce, I had to get rid of material things. But, I always found someone who needed it.
“When you give these things away, you will feel the gratitude of those who need what you give them. The people who get these things will treat them like she did.”
I said goodbye, and he went back to his work.
Had I let politics come between us, I would not have been able to extend myself to him this way. While many sit in front of their TVs or read the latest headline on their phone regarding where we are as a society and how far we think we have come, I find we haven’t advanced all that much.
Many old ways of doing things, like taking care of your neighbor, have fallen to the wayside because of a piece of paper where you make choices about who will run for an office we are so removed from. Yet, people near us, next to us, need our help.
While the world screams one way, God whispers another. And God’s way won’t leave you seeing red.
When my girls were young, I wanted to take them to a resort about four hours from home. We had been there before with people who owned a timeshare, so it was paid for, but I discovered that we could rent a cabin on the property and use the pools scattered throughout. Instead of being cramped in a tiny hotel room for days, this was a nice option to try for. And, near to it, there are various waterparks and activities that the girls loved to do.
The only obstacle standing in my way was my ex-husband, who told me he didn’t want to spend the money on it. We had plenty of money to do this, but he decided he didn’t want to go. In an attempt to throw me off, he said,
“If you somehow come up with the money and rent it, we can go.”
If this was a poker competition, his money was on himself, thinking I was an at-home mom homeschooling two young kids. In other words, I wasn’t smart enough to come up with the funds because I was not employed, and he held onto the purse strings.
I knew God wanted this for my kids, so I decided to have a garage sale.
The night before, while marking everything, he walked through the garage shaking his head like I was the dumbest person he had ever met. I had included another mom who also was interested in making the trip with us. We kept our items separate.
The sale netted us enough money to pay for the needed cabins and everything else the kids wanted to do. So much for being dumb.
The resort had listed all of its amenities on the website, including an indoor pool and hot tubs in case there was inclement weather.
When we got to the location, the “friend” who had done the sale with me walked into the registration building. When we got to the counter, we were informed that the indoor pool was being repaired. An electrical storm had somehow wiped out its functioning, so they had to close it.
“We are giving everyone passes to go to the Howard Johnson’s up the street so you can swim in their indoor pool. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
I didn’t think anything of it because many outdoor pools throughout the property were set around a golf course. The forecast predicted nice weather, so the need for an indoor pool was not heavy on my mind.
But, this woman who I was coming to find out was not the nicest, said,
“You advertised an indoor pool here. And, now you are telling me you don’t have one?”
“Yes. We are sorry, but we had a bad storm that left the electrical part of the pool unsafe, so we are in the process of fixing it. You and your family are welcome to use the Howard Johnson’s pool. This has the code on it so you can access that area.”
He pushed a piece of paper toward her with a number on it. She shoved it back at him.
I was filling out a form regarding our car with our license plate identification on it. I had just glanced out the window and was headed back to the desk when I saw this exchange begin.
“That is not good enough!” she snapped.
Her husband was out in the car, hiding, I assumed. Why I thought it was a good idea to bring her along, I do not know. My people-pleasing habits have taken a while to die.
It had gotten to the point where if I called their home, he would answer the phone with a whisper and go into a hall closet to speak to me because she didn’t want him talking and laughing with me on the phone as friends. Her control freak nature was rearing its ugly head more and more. She wanted me all to herself.
Often, he would speak to me and quickly say he would get her. There was no way he would want to deal with her Godzilla attitude at the front desk.
The employee swallowed down his fear and said,
“I don’t know how else to solve this problem for you.”
“I paid to have an indoor pool!”
The guy’s eyes caught mine, and I was hoping he didn’t think I was like her just because we walked in the door together.
“I know. And, we are really sorry about that…this is why we are sending people to Howard Johnson’s to try and accommodate everyone.”
“I am not a Howard Johnson’s type of person!” she said with a snarl. Ugly comes in many forms, not just in appearance but in attitude.
What? She had told me she had hardly ever been on vacation, so I was confused about where this entitled attitude was coming from.
Out of nowhere came another employee who was not as discreet as the man trying to help.
“He has explained to you our situation. Howard Johnson’s is it, or nothing.”
“That is not good enough!”
“What do you want me to do? Build you a pool, lady?” said the fresh helper.
My traveling companion then went to nuclear.
“I will contact the management here and let them know you did not go out of your way to compensate me for not having an indoor pool!”
With that, she swiped her papers off the counter and stormed out.
Both employees looked at me. Great.
“I apologize for her behavior,” I said. “I do not share her viewpoint.”
I could not say it enough. My two daughters had watched the entire exchange along with the lady’s two kids.
When I went to say goodnight to my two that night, I whispered,
“I am setting my alarm, and we are going to the indoor pool.” I did not say a word to anyone else.
The following day, while the two men went golfing, I quickly got my two in their suits, and we drove to the Howard Johnson’s. They had a great time swimming and using the hot tub. This was before cell phones, so no one could get a hold of us. And no one knew where we were.
I faced the firing squad when I returned.
“We were looking for you! Where did you go?” she asked the minute I stepped out of the car.
“Howard Johnson’s to swim,” I said without blinking. I wanted to see what reaction I would get.
“Oh,” she said. “Why didn’t you ask us to go?”
“Because you made it quite clear yesterday that you were not a Howard Johnson’s type person. You said that to everyone at the front desk.”
I did not hear one more tirade from this woman for the rest of the time we were there. I wasn’t as predictable as she thought I was.
Did she and I remain friends? No.
Her controlling nature became so severe that even my best people-pleasing nature couldn’t cut it anymore. The more I bowed down to her demands, the worse she became to the point where she was verbally abusive toward me. When I refused to continue being her friend, she tried to turn everyone against me. I preserved, and she is long gone in my rearview mirror.
I had convinced myself that God would not be happy with me if I let her go, so I kept myself attached to her. It got to the point, however, where I was either going to please her, lose myself or break free and be genuine. Sometimes you have to be not liked. And unpopular. It’s just the way it goes.
Proverbs 22:24-25 says, Don’t hang out with angry people; don’t keep company with hotheads. Bad temper is contagious—don’t get infected. (Message)
That’s the risk you take. You can morph into what you consistently keep company with, so choose those who are God’s best.
As a side note, the ex-spouse was rewarded for not generously giving me the money for the vacation. Shortly after we got home, he cleaned his closet. He made a pile of clothes that no longer fit him as he had ‘grown’. This was intended for the garbage. The other, he was going to keep.
As I walked through the living room, he watched the garbage truck pick up and dump the contents of the can with all the sludge.
“I put all the clothes I wanted to keep in the wrong pile! He just dumped everything into the truck! I have no clothes to wear now except for what I have on! I have to go buy all new ones!”
I wanted to say..why don’t you have a garage sale? But I was too afraid back then to say anything like that. I just kept on walking. Silence is golden, and you let the situation speak for itself, like swimming at Howard Johnson’s on your own.
Galatians 6:7 spells it out pretty plainly:
Don’t be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life. (Message)
There’s another verse in James 4:6 that says:
It’s common knowledge that “God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.”(Message)
When you walk in humility and do your best to follow God’s way, it may not always be easy, but I have found that you won’t regret how you treat others. You can end each day knowing that you are doing it right, being led through a life that is spiritually super.
“God, show me what is happening,” I said in the stillness of her hospital room.
Everyone had gone home for the day. I had watched her breathe while she slept with little to no movement. It was a miracle that I was even there after a year and a half of separation between myself and them. My parents insisted on remaining in their house when it had long passed being safe.
My tears and words of pleading with them to move into a safer location had been met with cold dismissal. They had made up their minds not to leave, and they didn’t care how this affected the rest of the family.
I had just helped my dad off the ground outside after falling, and that was only one of many times. The stress of it all had caught up with me, so as I begged them to make a change, I was ignored, and when I left, he went back outside to resume what he had been doing on the icy walkway.
When he had to take a driving test, he promised me they would move if he lost his license. After he failed, he continued to drive and refused to keep his word. He swore up and down he wasn’t driving, but after my daughter planted a tracker in his car and it revealed he was out and about, I decided to let go.
I spent a year and a half living five minutes away, wondering when I would get the news that they were in a horrific accident, killing others or themselves. I saw him driving during rush hour on busy roads while he told others he only “took the back roads.” Lie after lie.
I had the unwelcome advice that I needed to mend the fence and go back to being there for them. After all, what kind of person abandons their elderly parents?
Meanwhile, I heard God telling me to stay away.
“I will use you when the time is right.”
I decided to go with God and shut off the push from someone who didn’t get it. These are the moments when you must follow what your spirit tells you, no matter how it may appear to others.
I was working in my yard, removing weeds when I heard the siren. I looked in the direction of their house as I had for the last 18 months. Later, I found out she had been taken back to the hospital.
The week before, she had been admitted but had recovered. I hadn’t felt the pull to end my absence from their lives, but I knew I had to see her this time.
I waited until 11 pm to be sure I could assess the situation without interference from my dad. As my daughter and I entered her room, she moved slightly. She lifted her right hand and moved it across her forehead, mumbling in her sleep like she was trying to tell me what had happened. Then she became quiet again.
I saw my grandma, who had passed on to heaven, standing at the head of her bed. Then an image of my mom was next to her. The only way I can try to describe this is I see images like holograms. Someone entering the room would have only seen me, my daughter, and my mother’s sleeping form.
I began to move my hands in a circular motion. Unknown to me, my daughter began to do the same thing behind me, but I couldn’t see her. I didn’t know why I was doing this, but later I read that when a person does this, it draws in healing power to be passed on to another.
Right as I was going to put my hands on her arm, a nurse walked in.
I dropped my hands down to my sides.
“Has she been sleeping like this since she got here?” I asked.
“Yes.” The reply was sharp and snappy.
I explained why I had arrived so late, not wanting to face my dad quite yet. The response lacked all compassion.
“It’s late. Come back tomorrow.”
I was being told to leave, so we did.
Once in the car, I sat in the parking lot, trying to figure out how I had not been able to pray for her healing. Then it hit me.
She wanted to leave.
“Do you think she doesn’t want to be here anymore?” I asked my daughter, who was just as perplexed by our unplanned quick exit.
“Yes.”
“Did she not want me to pray for her to get better? Is that what just happened?”
“Yes,” she said as we both started crying.
I drove home, knowing this wouldn’t end in a miraculous recovery.
The following day I returned, and I tried to convince myself she would be sitting in bed, back to normal. But she wasn’t.
Instead, my dad sat next to her, wondering what was happening.
I chose not to bring up my departure from their lives.
“If she doesn’t come out of this, are you ready for that?”
“I don’t know why she wouldn’t.”
I listened to a lot of denials.
Tests were run and care administered, but no answers were given as to why she was in this condition.
“An MRI has been ordered, but we have a long list of people needing one, so the results probably won’t be back until later tonight.”
As the hours dragged on and the visitors went home, my daughter and I stayed to hear the result.
She remained asleep, looking as if she were somewhere else. I wondered where. I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and mentally said the prayer that would forever change my outlook on everything.
“God, show me what is happening.” It was nearly midnight.
I was standing off to the side of a bridge. I could see my mom facing forward with her mom, my grandma next to her.
“She’s still looking, Chrissy,” my grandma said. “She won’t turn around to look at me.”
I remained silent, watching, knowing that this was the beginning of her walk into heaven.
I opened my eyes as a nurse entered.
“You are still here?” She asked.
“I’m waiting for the results of the MRI.”
“I will send the physician down here before he leaves.”
Moments later, I was in the hallway meeting him.
“We didn’t see anything abnormal. We don’t have an explanation for her condition, and there’s no more we can do to get an explanation.”
The image of her facing the world with eternity behind her flashed through my mind.
By the end of the week, it was determined she would receive hospice care at home. I had written everything down as I would see it and hear it. I would close my eyes to check in, and on day four, the night before she went home to begin hospice, I saw her and my grandma standing in the middle of the bridge, still appearing to look at what I had come to know as the world. They were facing a giant movie screen with the wind blowing through their hair. This is what I wrote:
“The view up here is beautiful. I can see my whole life. I see scenes of myself, both good and bad. My father never loved me, Chris. But my mom, oh, she did. (She and my grandma laugh. I can see her standing behind my mom, hugging her as they watch. I am asked to join them in the middle of the bridge)
“See? Look at that. This is the day you were born. (I could see her in a scene holding an infant) And you had something. You had it in your eyes. You were the last one. I was proud to be a mother of six, even though I wasn’t good at it at times, I tried. I know you will have scenes of pain in your life because of me, but I loved you even if I never said it or showed it. I am sorry for not hugging or kissing you more.”
“It doesn’t matter now, mom.”
“But I see it now. I see it. And I can’t undo it. I can’t go back and change it. I’m not crying, but I see it. I can’t cry here.”
I wrote down each detail and knew she had been shown all 87 years of her life in a movie, like a highlight reel.
Back now to reality, I sat by her hospital bed. She stirred, woke up slightly, and said to my dad,
“Thank you for everything you have ever done for me in this life.”
This confirmed what I had just witnessed in a world not seen by human vision.
Every day I would shut my eyes and see her progress closer and closer to heaven. She had turned her back to the world after her life review and walked holding onto the hand of her mother.
When I returned to the bridge, I was allowed to be in the middle, but an angel stood next to me. He was tall, illuminated by a white light, and as they walked further away, he held up an old-fashioned pair of one-handled binoculars to my eyes.
I knew he was there to hold me back from going with her. I was at a point where I wished I could have. I could have left it all behind to follow her. But I was told:
“Chris, I see your future. It’s great. That angel is making sure you stay put. You are far from this for a while. And when you accomplish your mission for God, you will meet us on this bridge. You already know what it looks like. It will be familiar.”
As hospice went on and her body went through the process of shutting down, I continued to see and hear everything she did. And the day came when I went to the familiar place and only was greeted by the angel.
The water under the bridge was calm, but the brightness was gone. I knew she had completed her walk.
In Jeremiah 33:3 it says:
Call to me, and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known. (ESV)
When I asked to be shown, I was brought to a place outside of the existence I usually live in. And since that day when I requested to see what was unseen, I have continued to be able to communicate with those who are leaving and those who have left. The ability has expanded and proven itself to be genuine.
I have met strangers in stores that I deliver messages to from loved ones who have passed. They always end up in tears from the words that seem to tumble out of my mouth beyond my control. I don’t advertise it; it just shows up to comfort and bless those I cross paths with.
After three years, I’m over the critics who would label me as a witch or a fortune teller. I don’t generally have a message for them because they can’t fathom it nor receive it. Some didn’t see Jesus for what he was either, so I’m in good company.
It’s been an adjustment, giving up what I thought I knew when I knew nothing, and it’s been worth it to live in between two realms.
Sometimes you don’t understand the reason for the adversity, or maybe you see the lesson in it, but God expands it further.
The following morning, after being made to feel unwelcome at the pickle court, we drove back, hoping the group that had only been there on Tuesdays hadn’t returned.
As I pulled around the familiar corner, we saw their cars lined up, so we knew it wasn’t worth the effort to try. I wasn’t going to try to negotiate anything.
Some would say,
“Witness to them! Share God’s love with them! Maybe God wants you to play doubles!”
Another voice says, maybe that lady is right. Maybe you are disrespectful.
When met with so much greed and negativity, it’s easier just to make yourself out to be the bad guy. You start to question if you did the right thing or not.
My daughter’s comment that “humanity is sad” led her also to say,
“I’m not going to live my life on their schedule.”
How could we possibly try to figure out what time to show up? Even if I got there at 3 am, they were so possessive and controlling that I swear they would start to appear from the woods like the zombies from Night of the Living Dead.
Instead of my body, they would want my pickleball space.
“Maybe we are supposed to be doing something else,” she said as we watched them happily play with all the people they associated with. There was no room in their agenda to let us in, and I felt I didn’t want to be “in.”
Just as I had sensed the other day, it was their way or the highway, which was why I felt such a clash. I didn’t match up to the attitude, the spirit, or frequency they operated on.
A lot of us try to “fit in.” We conform and scrunch ourselves down to meet others at their level while becoming a shell of ourselves. When you do that, you miss another opportunity God has for you. From toxic people and dead-end jobs, whatever fills up a place that doesn’t bring you life, it’s taking up the spot of something or someone who could.
“I’m going back to where we started,” I told her as I left.
I felt this strong pull to abandon a situation in which I would never make a dent. It would be me beating my head against a wall. I tried and got absolutely nowhere the day before. Sometimes it’s dark, and God isn’t asking you to be the light at that moment.
Jesus said in Matthew 10:14:
When you knock on a door, be courteous in your greeting. If they welcome you, be gentle in your conversation. If they don’t welcome you, quietly withdraw. Don’t make a scene. Shrug your shoulders and be on your way. (Message)
So I shrugged.
The familiar streets and the houses I used to walk by on my way to elementary school brought a sense of peace. The park I used to ride my bike to all summer long, where I played softball, was quiet.
This is where she and I tried to play weeks ago when we had no idea what we were doing. The asphalt is nothing special compared to what we had just had the luxury of using, but I knew I was in the right place.
The city marked tan lines over the white ones used for tennis. It’s not pretty and brightly multicolored. It’s cracked with weeds starting to run all over it.
“I will deal with weeds and cracks at this point just to have the enjoyment of playing.”
A retired couple was doing yard work, and I immediately saw the mourning dove perched on the high wire singing. Those are always a reminder to me that my grandma is close by. Her North Dakota yard was filled with them, and their sad song troubled me when I was little.
“I don’t like those woo birds,” I told her. Every time I heard one, I felt this lonesome feeling that I had difficulty explaining when I was a kid.
“Chrissy,” she said smiling, “that’s just how they sing. It’s nothing to be scared of.”
From that day on, she called them “woo birds” with a slight laugh, and her explanation made me not fear them.
I had noticed it before when we had played here, and now it was back in the same spot. Watching.
We began to play, and I realized how far along we had come from those weeks prior when I had to tape up her arm for tennis elbow. We had learned a lot.
“Does this hurt?” I asked when I tried to remove the first piece. I had helped her apply black tape, the type you see all the Olympians wearing while they tough out an injury to play.
“No.”
I took more off. There was no wincing.
“How about now?”
“No,” she replied calmly.
I thought maybe it was like one of those no-stick bandaids. And with no signs of pain, I ripped it across the rest of the way. That’s when the screaming started, but I was in mid-rip, so the momentum carries you.
“You took off all of my DNA!”
“You said it didn’t hurt!”
“Not at first!”
“Do you want me to put another piece on?”
“NO! I will do it!”
I wasn’t getting by pain-free either. Those first few sessions had left my lower body in agony that would strike, especially when I went up or down stairs. Epsom salts and the tub became my best friend.
That was all behind us now as we had gotten stronger and faster.
“That ball hit this crack over here,” she said. I had traded the superior for not as good, so I did what I always did. I prayed. As the hoo bird was my witness, I said,
“God, have the city fill in these cracks and get all these weeds out of here. I command it in the name of Jesus that they clean this up for us.”
That was it. We played, she won, and we switched sides.
I listened to the elderly couple talk and laugh with each other as she weed whipped, and he picked up sticks and branches. What a great antidote to the ugly behavior I had seen the day before.
Within moments, a city truck pulled up, and a man came to the fence.
I was attempting to return a ball.
“That hit the crack, and I still got it over,” I said to my opponent, who can beat me at every game now that her elbow is healed.
“That’s why I’m here. I just sprayed weed killer not long ago, and now I’m back to assess how I can fix this up.”
I told him what had happened at the other court.
“Pickleball players, especially the older ones, can be very mean.”
One of the comments made to me the day before was how “nasty” I was when pickleball was a sport that was always so nice. It was an attempt to bad-mouth me.
“You run into mean people?” I asked.
“Yes.”
There’s another location he services that has courts like the one we had been kicked off of.
“They are not nice. They act like they own that place,” he said.
I had tried to reason nicely, and because I hadn’t given in, I was also called disrespectful. So I wasn’t a bad person, and his description sounded like what I had said to the woman. Territorial.
“We like to play, and I will play here no matter how awful it is to avoid all that meanness.”
“I will work on this,” he said. “I can make this nicer.”
“Don’t make it too nice. Keep it kind of crappy, so it doesn’t get taken over,” I said.
“I will try,” he said, smiling.
Before I left, I introduced myself to the happy couple working in their yard. Even while they were engaged in manual labor, they would stop every so often, talk, and start to laugh.
“You two don’t seem like you are working. You seem happy together.”
As he slathered on sunscreen, he said,
“You don’t see us all the time,” sending her into another round of laughing.
The next day when we returned, he yelled,
“Good morning, ladies!” as he jumped in his truck and drove away.
I opened the package and tried to discern how I was to rip them apart. I spread it out on the floor before me. This type of situation puts to the test my higher education. How can two pieces of multicolored plastic suddenly make me feel so inferior?
I looked to see her easily sliding them on and tying them like she had done this a million times before.
“How did you figure that out?”
“It’s easy.”
Like I am a toddler.
In our quest to make ourselves better people, I had opted to use an at-home slipper that promised my feet would be brand new. I just had to surrender sixty minutes by not moving. Right there almost made me turn back. It’s not that I don’t have the time, but the willingness to sit still for that long. And, if the treatment needed to be more extensive, I would have to tough it out for ninety minutes.
Was it worth it?
While I examined the contents and looked again at the directions, she settled back in the recliner, comfortably scrolling through her phone, not concerned about the minutes she would lose. When you are pre-30 and have your entire life, that is how life goes. You can carelessly toss aside time like it means nothing.
“Did you tear these in two?”
Anytime I don’t know what I am doing, I assume I will do the wrong thing and then won’t be able to fix it. I wasn’t confident I had the right perforation line.
“You can’t wear them while they are connected,” she said, laughing.
It wasn’t supposed to be like locking up part of yourself in a straight jacket. The fewer instructions that come with something, the more I overthink.
With that, I threw all caution to the wind and tried to figure out which was left versus right. Whoever designed this had not taken that into account; there were no rules so that they could be put on either side.
I peeled open the right one, the one I chose for my right foot, because there were no mistakes with these. If you like to subject yourself to having goo go between all of your toes, this is for you. If you have unexpectedly stepped in something yucky out in your backyard, it’s like that.
Each one contained a formula to help you shed skin that was no longer serving you while moisturizing.
This process was about convenience and having you walk free of rough, dry patches without having to soak them or scrub for days. The shock of the cold slime that instantly wraps itself around does not make it easy to put on the second one. You know what’s coming. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Within moments of securing them with ankle tape, she said,
“I’m thirsty.”
“You couldn’t have been thirsty two seconds ago before I made this commitment? One of us would have still been able to get up.”
I had sat in the middle of the living room putting these on, and I wasn’t confident enough to walk two steps over to the couch. I was considering rolling or crawling.
I was trying not to see myself filling out the intake form at the doctor’s office.
How did you fracture your leg?
I slipped on my moisturizing sock, trying to make myself into a better person.
No, that was not how this was going to go.
She squished her way into the kitchen without my help.
While at the onset, it was a chilly start to the process, by the end, I felt like I had inserted my feet into a fireplace.
Unable to take the feeling any longer, I removed them.
“Are we supposed to see something?”
“I think we are to rinse this off, and then maybe the magic will happen.”
We did that and saw nothing change. My feet just felt extremely clean.
I didn’t think of it until she showed me her heels a few days later.
Similar to after a bad sunburn had started to flake, this was what was happening to her. As she began pulling off a sizeable dead piece of skin, I felt my throat closing up.
It wasn’t a blood and guts moment, but it was not a pretty sight. I tried to cough away the bad.
“Look at this!” she said, fascinated.
“NO,” I said, closing my eyes.
“I have brand new skin underneath all of this!”
“Do it without me,” I said, trying not to choke.
Aside from the gag inducing shedding process, it is extraordinary how God has designed us to transform, heal and become new physically. We can lose weight, improve our strength by pushing ourselves to lift heavier objects, and have a gaping wound close shut if we treat it right.
Along the same line, we can do this with how we think. You view situations in the same way you always have, and after a while, a distorted view of reality can become a truth with the evidence you think supports it. It is safe to say that it becomes easier not to change as life progresses. But, you can do so. It’s a choice.
A few months ago, I had a friend quote this scripture repeatedly to me:
“Neither is new wine put into old wineskins. If it is, the skins burst, the wine is spilled, and the skins are destroyed. But new wine is put into fresh wineskins, and so both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:17 ESV)
She was encouraging me to leave the past in the past and move on.
Many of us struggle to apply verses from the Bible to everyday life. I do as well.
But, I did meet an old wineskin on the pickleball court.
My daughter and I have been playing for a few weeks after figuring out the simple rules and getting past major sore muscles when we started.
After the first day, I went to get up from a seated position and realized everything below my waist was on fire. She developed tennis elbow from the cheap, awful wooden racquets we started with.
The park we initially went to was set on a court meant for tennis but had been remarked to accommodate this new sport. Weeds were starting to overtake the entire area. On my side, I had a crack the size of the San Andreas Fault running right through it, so when her incoming ball hit that, I had a difficult time trying to return it.
This wasn’t a high priority on the city beautification list.
She found a new location offering three well-kept spaces with no one on them. We began going often as this is only a few minutes from my house.
Everything was great until we showed up on a Tuesday morning, and two of the three courts were taken up by doubles players from a nearby senior establishment. They all socialized like they knew one another. We started playing on the open court.
Because we have played only singles and are good, neither one of us has branched into doubles. We are there to sweat and get in a good workout for at least an hour. While I listened to conversations about gout, gallbladder surgeries, and other ails of aging, she and I kept to ourselves and played as usual.
At the end of one of our games, I was approached by a woman who asked if we wanted to play doubles. I declined, explaining that we were there to play the entire court, and we weren’t interested. We returned to what we were doing as this has been asked of us many times when we have been there alone.
I noticed out of the corner of my eye a different woman hanging on the fence watching us.
At the beginning of the serve, we announced our score, and what I didn’t realize was this person was keeping track so she could boot us out.
“Are you done with your game?” she asked.
“Yes. We are going to switch sides and play another one.”
“The rules state that you have to let doubles play through.”
I looked at the other two courts she and her friends had already taken over and saw that they didn’t have enough players to take ours too.
Because I was slightly intimidated by her and didn’t want to deal with it, I decided to leave.
Instead of fighting it out with them, I changed my morning to accommodate their schedule. I set my alarm the following week and got there by 6:45 as I had noticed they were not showing up until 8 am. This was the only day of the week they were coming, so we had no problem getting our hour in all the other days.
All was going well until they showed up at 7:30. Again, we kept on playing, hoping to finish before they all appeared.
I could feel the stares and started to hear the remarks about how they only had seven people. They didn’t have enough to take over two courts. The middle one was now occupied by a man who had shown up with a ball launcher and was practicing alone.
This group sat on the bench, considering their options. Do they kick us off again or go after the ball launcher guy? I tried to ignore the ring leader’s talk about how she disliked her neighbor and said,
“And another pet peeve of mine is…”
On and on, this person went about how horrible life was treating her. I wonder why?
My daughter and I had made a pact not to announce our score again when they showed up because this was what started the trouble before.
A man approached me on my left.
“Do you want to play doubles?”
“No, thank you,” I said. “I know your group gets here by 8, so we try to show up early, so we don’t infringe on your time. We want to finish up and leave so you can have the court.”
I had the feeling that the women of this bee hive had sent him over as the worker bee to clear the way.
When he heard my words of ‘not wanting to infringe on your time,’ he started to fold like a house of cards.
He mumbled,
“The rules say…”
He was going to launch into the speech again.
“Hey! This guy wants to play with us!”
Saved by the bell. The ball launcher guy was willing to fill in to make 8 players.
“So, do you guys have 8 to play now and two courts?” I asked the worker bee.
“Yes. We should be good.”
“Okay. We were going to leave and not impose on your time. That was our plan.”
He walked away, and she and I continued to play.
Suddenly, one of the queens appeared on my left.
“Do you want to play doubles?” She had overheard my conversation already, so this was a trap.
“No. We got here early so we wouldn’t disrupt your group. You usually arrive at 8, so we will try to leave by then.”
“You need to read the rules right over there. It says if there are doubles players, you need to leave.”
“I understand that. That is why we came here early.”
I took in her dark glasses and her tight-lipped expression.
“I know, but you need to read the rules…”
“I know how to read. I have read them. And, we are trying to accommodate you.”
“You need to march yourself over there and read the rules.”
“Do you have only 8 players here?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have 2 out of the 3 courts right now?”
“Yes.”
“Then no one is breaking the rules you are referring to. We are trying not to impose on your time.”
“These are busy pickleball courts, so you need to read the rules.”
Like a broken record, she was going around in a loop.
“I am not going to argue with you,” she said with authority.
“Me either. I think we agree, and no one is taking over anything from anyone.”
“Pickleball is a friendly sport, and you have a nasty attitude.”
Here came the character assassination next because I wasn’t letting her have her way. I have found that control freaks and narcissistic personalities don’t like hearing no, and when they are denied their way, they go for the jugular.
“I am not taking anything away from you. I have explained that.”
She turned on her heel and walked away.
“You are disrespectful,” she said over her shoulder.
“And, you are territorial.”
The man who had come over looked at me sadly out of his eye. The day before, he had biked by, saw us playing, smiled, and said hello. I had done the same.
Now, he was associated with the pickleball mafia. They could show up when they wanted and take over by quoting the rule speech no matter how much I tried to explain. The underdog will never beat them at their game because there would be no pleasing these people.
Even the best people pleaser would come up short. As I looked at her back, I wondered what lucky man was married to her and did her dirty work to keep the peace.
Yes, I thought that. I didn’t say it.
If we had played doubles, they would have eventually sat us out to rotate in their friends, having us sit on the sidelines. What a great racket to run, or should I say paddle?
Shortly after, I picked up my equipment and left because I saw more of their members arriving, and I was keeping to my promise of not infringing on their time.
It was like being on a playground with the bullies taking over the swings and the monkey bars.
And that is what an old wineskin looks and acts like, just in case you wondered.
God can do nothing with a person who only sees her outcome the way she wants it, no matter the disturbance it causes others.
As we left, my daughter, who rarely says anything in situations such as these, turned to me and said,
“Humanity is sad.”
“It’s because they have to stay in control over everything, and at the end of it all, they won’t be.”
I don’t appreciate being subjected to this behavior. Still, I also knew that I was given a divine message meant to make me stay on my course of remaining flexible, being able to see situations from all angles, and extending kindness to others.
The choice is always going to be yours.
You can either be a fine wine. Or you can be whiny.
Having two daughters spaced four years apart had its challenges. The younger one always wanted to be as advanced as her sister and was slightly annoyed if she felt I was paying more attention to her sibling. She made sure I knew it. Even before she could speak, she would make it known that she wanted to be the top dog.
She noticed early on that our physical abilities were superior to hers, and she wasn’t happy until she was on the same level.
She learned to crawl by eight months old and began to pull herself up by using the furniture to hang on to within that same time frame.
One night, she saw that we were sitting with a blanket over us. My oldest daughter had meticulously set up her pillow, a few stuffed animals and had settled in next to me, absolutely content watching one of her favorite shows.
The other one came by, pulled on the blanket, and screeched. She pulled so hard that before I could lift her that it sent her sister’s enormous bowl of popcorn showering all over us. The quilt we were using ended up on the ground. The stuffed animals were in a crumpled mess with pillows scattered everywhere.
Like that magic trick where the person pulls the tablecloth, but the silverware doesn’t budge.
Jealousy and competition had given her the strength of ten people. It was so shocking to witness an infant take over like that.
While we cleaned up the mess, she sat on the floor laughing.
She progressed quickly from barely walking and was fully able to run by nine months old. Not always steadily, but with speed.
“Mom! Help!”
I saw the two of them run by, but the younger one had gotten a hold of the back of her sister’s nightgown. She had her in a hostage situation, clutching onto the material with both hands. While the little one beamed with glee, the other one panicked.
“Mom! She has me! Help!”
It was the strangest sight to see the younger one executing such a power play over someone who could easily outmatch her.
“You do know she’s a baby. You are four. You are older and can get away from her?”
I unhooked her from her kidnapper so she could go free.
When the oldest was learning to print her name when she turned 5, I thought it would be a great idea to have her write it on all the valentines for a homeschool party she would attend with other kids her age. I figured after 40 of them, she would have it down pretty good.
I didn’t want to leave the other out even though she did not yet possess the motor skills. I found her a little purple ink stamp with her name on it so she could use it.
Before I left the room, I said,
“Only use that on the paper, okay? Don’t put that on anything but the paper.”
She nodded in understanding.
I left for milliseconds and returned to find her name emblazoned across her forehead, arms, and any place bare skin had been. The one across her lips was creative.
Her sister had been so concentrated on forming each letter of her name that she hadn’t noticed the rampage next to her.
It wouldn’t be the last time she had a run-in with ink.
A few months later, while her sister attended a roller skating birthday party, she and I sat off to the side watching. I had brought an assortment of things for her to do, including washable markers and coloring books. I had glanced up to check on her sister when I heard the sucking in of air, like a deep gasp.
I quickly turned back to find her holding both hands up in front of her face in total horror. Her color choice had been red, and it had gotten on her fingers.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, wondering why this was so traumatic. She could come into the house totally filthy and not care. Her mouth was wide open in a silent scream as she gathered in as much oxygen as her lungs would allow. Then the wailing started.
I had a difficult time making out what she was trying to say.
“I..I..I am….bl…eed…”
“What? I don’t understand.”
“I AM BLEEDING!” She used all of her strength to say it as panic shut her down.
It appeared that she had been playing with sharp knives.
I got out a wet wipe and quickly cleaned her hands. Within a split second, she looked down, smiled, and said,
“Oh.”
Things aren’t always as they appear. Like a funhouse mirror that distorts your image to make you look taller or shorter, sometimes our senses and how we think can play tricks on us.
Three years ago, I had my roof replaced after a storm. A sunny day suddenly turned dark as the skies broiled angrily with fast moving clouds.
I had received a message from a family member that they had gotten hit with strong winds, and he sent photos of chunks of hail. It was headed my way.
Our sirens were going off, indicating that we should go into the basement. However, it looked so calm outside that I went out to see how ominous it was. My daughter and I watched as large raindrops started to hit the driveway. We were standing in a corner that provided us the ability to not get wet between the house and the garage.
Slight sprinklings of pea-sized hail began.
“This isn’t good,” I said. “I think we should go in.”
As I said this, it was as if a switch was thrown, and ice baseballs began to come down everywhere. We were trapped because there was no way to come out for a split second without getting nailed with multiple of these.
We watched as puddles in the street looked like they were hit with small bombs nonstop. We huddled in the corner as the wind whipped branches and other debris flew in the air.
Once we quit screaming, we went back into the house unscathed. But, I knew that the house was not.
I immediately contacted my insurance representative, who sent over someone the next day to help. It was determined I had damage, and the process for repair on paper was begun.
First, I had to come up with a $2500 deductible, which I did not have.
“We can fix this right now,” he said.
“I don’t have the deductible at the moment.”
I knew if I had him do the work, I would be in debt. I was using everything I had to pay off a $10,000 debt that had been strangling me financially for over eight years. I had vowed to myself never to create more of it after taking lousy advice under pressure in the past and being too trusting.
This meant living in a limited, constricted way. I didn’t want to add to the stress.
“We do roofs until the first week of October. That way, we know we won’t have any snow. You are one of my first houses. We will book up quickly, so we really should do it right now.”
As he said this, one of my neighbors appeared.
“Do you replace roofs?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“Can you look at mine?“
After inspecting it, it was determined she needed it fixed.
“How quickly can you do this? I’m putting it on the market next week.”
There were workers all over her property by the next day, and I had been given a referral discount off of mine.
I noticed another neighbor needed work done, so I wondered if they wanted a second opinion. They already had a sign in their yard from one of the many companies going door to door. I knew the competition was high.
After my inspection, a stranger came with a ladder and climbed up unsolicited. When I confronted him with the threat I could report him to the city; he realized he was at the wrong address and quickly left.
When my other neighbor signed up with the man I referred, this meant another discount for me.
I was still short $1500.
With work being completed on both sides of me, I was tempted to get it done and figure out the cost later. I kept hearing to wait it out.
By early fall, I received a higher property tax refund than anticipated.
“I think we should fix your gutters, too,” I was told in the interim. “I will do them at cost.”
Four months had gone by while I watched everyone else having work done. We had gorgeous weather, and I had paid it off in full by the time the job was completed. I had made up my mind not to allow more debt.
What had appeared impossible at the start took care of itself.
The only slight setback in the whole process was that the noise of the reconstruction had deeply disturbed one of my dogs. It was as if she anticipated the entire house crashing down even though there was no danger. She refused to sleep lying down, but as fatigue would hit her, she would fall over, wake up, and the process would start again. For days she did this until her body forced her back into a regular sleep pattern.
Her faulty senses and limited ability to understand had resulted in her being a nervous wreck.
Unlike her, we have access to insider information that can be easily tapped into if we allow it.
In Jeremiah 33:3 it says:
This is God’s Message, the God who made earth, made it livable and lasting, known everywhere as God: ‘Call to me, and I will answer you. I’ll tell you marvelous and wondrous things that you could never figure out on your own.’ (Message)
This leading generally doesn’t come in noisily but rather in subtle, quiet ways that only can be heard when there is no fear interference. Your reaction in the moment of adversity will determine how long you suffer.
Frustration, competition, and jealousy aren’t the ways out.
If you are willing to put aside what you think is true and seek out the One of all truth, the drama gets silenced. You won’t bleed to death because it’s just an illusion.
I had a tree taken down in my backyard two years ago. I had gotten rid of some of the wood by offering to cart it over to the new neighbors who had just put in a fire pit. The rest of this massive tree sat stacked up against the shed with the idea it would be burned.
Common sense took over, and maybe a touch of generosity as I considered getting rid of it. I saw a sign at a store that a small bundle of it was selling for $8, so I thought maybe someone could use it since I probably would not outlive the pile.
On the first day, I did a small test run to see if it would attract any attention. Because it was only 30 degrees at the time, I had the beginning of frostbite set in, so I lost the ability to feel my hands, forcing me to quit.
I put out smaller pieces with a FREE sign and left for about 30 minutes. I returned to see that where I had placed it was empty.
The following afternoon, I returned to the backyard with gloved hands, warmer weather, and an anger infused attitude. Like seething, yet justified. They say that faith can move mountains. When you are unhappy, you can use that to your advantage and throw heavy logs around like toothpicks. When you think of one injustice suffered, you can suddenly think of a million of them. They all come flooding in with friends.
You consider your losses and how they occurred, and why. The things you wished you would have said at the time, but the maddening knowledge it wouldn’t have made a difference. So you turn to the woodpile and take it out on that because it’s an inanimate object that you cannot damage or offend.
To the outside observer, I looked like a workhorse ripping through a spring clean-up job, getting ahead of the summer heat by performing a strenuous activity in cooler temperatures. My outward rage was really masking a stab directly to my heart that I somehow couldn’t run away from. Whatever barrier God had placed before was gone, so I had to feel it thoroughly to get rid of it.
Talking about it wasn’t helping me go around it. Praying for it to go away had done nothing. I had to go through it to release it.
At one point, I stopped for a second and realized that the nagging thoughts about a different issue had gone away momentarily. A while ago, I read that the brain can only have you address one conflict at a time, which is why multitasking leads to overload. My long list of concerns had been whittled down to this one upset consuming all of my emotions and attention.
What had been bothering me so much earlier was now forgotten as this painful grievance took center stage. It had been ignited from a few words sent my way by text that had set me spiraling into this hurt that had been waiting in the shadows for its time to come.
I went to grab a gigantic piece of trunk, and because it had been untouched for two years, the bark easily slid right off. Before, it had been heavy with water, almost immovable, but now after drying out, I could manage it somewhat without pulling every back and arm muscle.
I made one trip after another to the front yard, stacking all shapes and sizes, pushing a wheelbarrow up an incline with adrenaline leading the way. As the physical exhaustion hit, I moved to stage two, where the flowing tears slowed me down. The confines and darkness of the shed gave me a minute of privacy.
Like the tree, I had gotten down to the inner layer of the turmoil. My bark had slipped off, and I let all the water that had been trapped inside of me out to make me feel lighter to let go of this burden that I had been carrying below the surface.
I stood there alone, wondering why it had come to this and how.
When I returned to what I was doing, I decided only to take one more load. I knew I was pushing myself beyond my capability. With a lot more to go for a few days ahead, I didn’t want to leave myself physically incapacitated and unable to finish.
I took smaller pieces this time, feeling weak and barely able to get to the boulevard. I saw him loading his car. He smiled at me as if I were his best friend.
“Take it all,” I said to him as he raced back and forth, and I unloaded what I had been able to manage.
“I will. You have no idea how happy this makes me. We love building fires, and wood is way too expensive.”
“I put some out yesterday, and it disappeared quickly.”
“That was me. My wife drove by and called me, saying I had to get over here. We live up the street and my neighbor cut down a tree. I knocked on their door to see if I could take some, but they never answered. Then she saw this.”
“I have more,” I said.
“Really? I will take as much as I can.”
When he couldn’t cram anymore in, he said,
“I will come back,” just as another car pulled up to take his place. A lady with two kids rolled down the windows. A boy in the back said,
“Is the wood free?”
“Yes. You can take as much as you want. I’m trying to get rid of it.”
“Really?”
I didn’t realize how unbelievable this was to people.
“Yes. Whatever I put out here is to be taken, and I have a lot more. Even larger pieces than this.”
They jumped out and started loading their trunk.
The woman asked,
“Is it okay if we come back later to get more?”
“Yes,” I said as I trailed off to keep going.
Now that I had seen the gratitude, I had to keep going despite wanting to quit. Sometimes you put yourself aside during a struggle to bring joy to others.
I made one last pile and let the rest go for the next day. I stopped because my daughter came outside and saw my condition. Strangers couldn’t recognize the anguish I had just been through, but she could. Sometimes, you need someone to come along and tell you that you have done enough.
As I was getting into my car to leave, the woman had returned with her kids and others.
“I told my neighbors so they could take some too.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I thought no one would want it.”
“Are you kidding me? Do you know how much this costs? We should be thanking you!”
We don’t always know the value of things or even ourselves.
I have been working on writing out an affirmation ten times daily for almost a month now. I follow this by writing out what a dream life would be. This piece of advice was presented to me, and I knew it was God’s direction.
As I sat writing out everything that came to my mind about how I want the rest of my life to go, I heard,
“If something or someone doesn’t fit into what you write on this paper, let that be the test by which you determine what stays and what has to go. This is the way to make it be what you want so you avoid making mistakes. Only allow what will open the door to the life you want.”
I put together an artificial Christmas tree I no longer need the following day. It was from my past and had been up in the attic for years. When I hear in my mind that “someone can use that,” I don’t hesitate to put it out so it can go to its owner.
I set it up by the woodpile and realized I was looking at a counterfeit tree up against something that had been living and breathing in my backyard at one time. The one that had provided shade and towered up so high now was in jagged pieces. Disease had brought it to its end, and it had been brought down in mercy.
Both serve a purpose with the same title, but one is fake, pretending to be something it is not. It’s a green glorified bristle brush that can be beautiful if adorned with sparkly additions. Without all the glitz, it doesn’t hold a candle to a genuine creation by God.
It never ever will be real, no matter how hard it tries.
That pine scent in a can? It’s manufactured. You aren’t fooling anyone, especially when you have to spray it to keep the facade going.
You can’t go on like that, wanting to live an authentic life all the while covering yourself with a smile, hoping that circumstances will line up to how you want them to be. If God has designed you for a purpose, and you have surrendered yourself to heaven’s call no matter what, all the deceptions and situations that hold you back or keep you in your place will be removed not to hurt you but to free you.
When the saw gets taken to dismantle what isn’t aligned to your spiritual advancement, you are cut through to your core down to the root. Only then do you find what you were missing.
We spend a lot of time stringing up lights and throwing tinsel on ourselves, trying to fit in because that’s all we have ever done. And maybe without realizing it.
In Matthew 16:25-26, an important truth is revealed:
Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me, and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for? (Message)
I have been shown there’s more to gain by living in honesty, no longer an imposter.
When I decided to home school, I was not met with much support. Many people had the idea that this direction in life was too risky. They thought I was putting my children into some experiment that would result in them being different from their peer group.
Exactly.
It wasn’t viewed as I saw it. It was frowned upon as a negative, and I was warping them for life. I could always tell when the conversation was drifting that way.
“Do they have friends?”
“Yes.”
“Can they read?”
“Yes.”
“Are you a teacher?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
There was always this undercurrent of judgment that I was going against the natural order of things, which must have meant a disaster was coming on the horizon.
An older man said to me,
“So you will have them miss out on dating football players?”
He was serious.
Out of all the questions about their academia and overall well-being, he was concerned that there wouldn’t be an opportunity for them to go out with a hormone-enraged teenage boy who had no stability to offer.
How could I be so irresponsible, manipulating my daughters’ futures like this?
My girls were 14 and 17 at the time.
“I guess so,” I said. “I have decided to let them bypass that one.”
He shook his head and clicked his tongue at me like I was an absolute lunatic.
I wonder where all those football players are now? At the chiropractor, getting an adjustment, scheduling an MRI, and paying child support.
I knew right from the start that what I was doing was not accepted by the general public. So much so that I threw myself into every single activity that came our way.
I helped start a co-op at a church I was attending. I came up with a name, and we printed off tee shirts, so every time we met or went somewhere, the kids and parents had on something that represented to the public we were not hiding behind closed doors.
I planned field trips, wrote out a monthly newsletter, and taught weekly gym classes to all the kids from kindergarten on up.
And we fit in school. Sometimes in the car on the way to whatever we were doing for that day.
While cleaning, I found an old yearbook that I had helped put together back then.
“This is where I spit into the bushes,” I said, paging through it, reminiscing.
We took the kids to a farm not too far from my house. It’s been converted into a historical working site that allows visitors to see how it was run in the 1800s. The man who was the original owner learned by reading everything out of various books and experimenting with crops and irrigation. He didn’t come from a lineage of farmers. He was just a guy who knew he could be a success at something without any experience by applying his knowledge. He was driven by learning something new despite the naysayers.
Similar to homeschooling.
During each season, they did different activities so the kids could get an idea of what life was like during a long-gone period.
In the fall, they were shown how sorghum(sugar) was pressed out of plants, and they were allowed to do this by turning a wooden handle on an old-looking machine. In the spring, they participated in planting by walking behind two oxen as a plow sliced through the soil.
From whatever year we had teleported ourselves back into, the instructors were dressed in that attire. The homestead was preserved so we got to see where they lived and how the indoor work was done. They took the kids through the process of churning butter by hand and making homemade pickles.
I was handed one by an employee playing the part of one of the family members. No one wanted to sample them, and I wasn’t too excited to either, but I took it to be nice. I put it in my mouth but didn’t commit to chewing. I expected the usual salty dill taste of a vegetable that had been brined.
It was not even close to that. And as my eyes began to water, I wondered if these were a fresh batch or leftover from the actual 1800s. I could not fathom swallowing it, but I had no backup plan. No napkin. There was nowhere to get rid of it as she stayed in character, expounding on the fact that the recipe was ages old.
The second she freed us, I turned to go up the cellar stairs, but I got trapped behind other people. I silently prayed no one would speak to me as the juices from this rancid circular disc on my tongue slowly dripped down my throat.
Right outside the door was an enormous bush. This would be where I spit and spit until I had nothing left to give except for my DNA for historical purposes. As I was in the throes of it, I heard a little girl say,
“Those pickles looked gross!”
You have no idea, child.
It reminds me of this verse from Revelation 3:
I know your deeds that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked?’(NIV)
Chasing a high social status and keeping up false appearances that distract you from serving your true purpose can make one blind and deaf spiritually so that you become useless. It’s easy to believe that you are on the right track when you are surrounded by all that you have acquired. Yet, you and God can be distant.
God wants to use you in the capacity you have been born to fulfill. Material possessions and habitual living, like a comfort zone out of balance, can be stumbling blocks. It can hinder seeking and finding out why you are here.
I recall spitting out something else surprisingly disgusting on another occasion. My mom was in the middle of baking brownies from scratch. I walked by, saw a piece of chocolate, and popped it into my mouth.
“You will not like that,” she said, barely looking away from her measuring spoon.
“Why?”
“It’s unsweetened. It’s probably going to be….”
I heard the word “bitter” as I hung my whole face over the garbage, trying to get rid of it.
How can something that looked so great on the outside be so toxic on the inside?
For the next time you are in a heated trivia game, here are 11 signs of someone housing bitterness:
They hold a grudge
They are always complaining
They are not grateful for the good in their life
They want bad things to happen to others, so they stay superior
Jealous of others who have good happening
Can’t share in others’ joy
Want the spotlight
Highly cynical
Quick to blame others for their problems
Nothing positive to say about positive people
Make sweeping assumptions
Why is this so destructive? Because it affects everyone around them negatively with a high potential to cause others to join in and fall away from God. It’s a pattern of behavior not easily broken, and it sucks the life out of life. But, it’s also low-level living and can be appealing because it doesn’t require any growth. Like being drug-addicted, this is easy to start and difficult to end. And misery loves company.
It’s explained in Hebrews 12:
Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time. Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God’s lifelong gift to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted that impulsive act and wanted God’s blessing—but by then it was too late, tears or no tears. (Message)
So how do we avoid getting lured in by the enticement and the world’s empty promises? Or the critical, sour voices that want to drag us down spiritually? You get quiet, ask for help, and this will follow:
Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. (Psalm 34:8/NIV)
He will distance you from the people and things that keep you from your destiny.
This is promised in Psalm 91:
If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
“I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me, and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.”(Message)
Whether your problems are self-inflicted or not, heaven’s biggest desire is that you complete the work you were sent here to do. When you set your heart entirely on that, God will help you get out of any pickle.
Lovely,Pure,and Write 