Before taking a single psychology class, I grew up in an environment that taught me more by observation than any professor ever could. No textbook could even come close to the education I received by being born into the household where I somehow landed.
“Your dad is using selective hearing again,” my mom announced as she stalked past me.
I had not heard of that term before. Why would I? I was in middle school and not married.
“What is that?”
“It’s when someone hears you, but they pretend that they don’t. But then you can ask another question, maybe something that interests them, and miraculously they respond to you. He does this to me all the time.”
I had seen it in action, but I didn’t know it had an official name.
There could be two reasons for this. Either he had trained himself to do it because it got overwhelming with so many kids in the house, or she just asked too many questions.
“I wonder why he does it?” She asked.
See? Like that.
“Did you ask him?”
“Yes. He didn’t hear me.”
He was a master.
A few weeks ago, all of these memories of him putting her on ignore came rushing back to me.
I was at his apartment while a physical therapist was working with him.
“Can you stand up?” She said in a highly elevated tone of voice.
It has been officially determined that he now has hearing loss in both ears due to his military training. He had no problem while I was growing up, but he has used hearing aids to help as he has aged.
I went to the audiologist with him for testing a few years ago at a veteran’s clinic.
The room we had to be in was soundproof and actually hurt my ears because it was so quiet. I didn’t realize that seclusion could be painful.
“He lip-reads almost ninety-nine percent of the time even with hearing aids in,” she said.
So when Covid hit, and all the mask-wearing began, it became impossible to communicate with that on.
When the physical therapist asked him to stand, I thought he hadn’t heard her because her mouth was covered.
“Did you hear her say to get up?”
“Yes. Can you stand up?”
At almost ninety, it’s a challenge, but he eventually will. After walking and running through strengthening exercises, I see he starts to fade out, and his attention span gets short.
She explained to me his limitations and what she could do to keep him strong without taking away his independence in other areas. While all of this discussion was going on, I looked over at him, wondering how this fully affected him. He won’t ever tell me anything unless I really probe for answers.
He puts on somewhat of a front, keeping his true feelings hidden.
He was wearing a new listening device that connects to a small battery-operated unit with earbuds to amplify sound.
When I had first put it on him and was going to adjust the volume, I asked,
“Can you hear me?”
He looked right at me and said,
“No, Chris. I can’t hear you.”
That was my sign it was functioning correctly.
With her going through a rundown of all that he can’t do, I was slightly concerned that this would bother him.
“Do you want some water?” I asked him, interrupting her. He didn’t answer me. I thought maybe he hadn’t heard me, so I repeated it. Nothing.
“Can you hear me?” I asked, wondering if the new device was malfunctioning. He still seemed not to hear me.
I repeated my question with no response.
This time I decided to upgrade.
“Can you hear me, or are you choosing not to?”
“Selective hearing,” he said, then smiled.
“Do you have that on your list for him to work on?” I asked her.
Unfortunately, it isn’t.
Later, I started to inquire about his time in the military, which had led to his hearing loss.
“I was in training to use a 40-millimeter anti-aircraft gun.”
“What was that for?”
“To shoot down airplanes.”
“And they didn’t know back then to have you wear ear protection?”
“Right. So that caused damage to my hearing.”
He went into the National Guard at seventeen and served once a month while in high school.
“I made $40 doing that. Then, the Korean War was cropping up, and they needed people, so I went into the army.”
I’m not sure how he gained the position, but he became a sergeant. He had been in a street gang as a leader, so that might have come into play when they looked for recruits who they needed to enforce discipline.
“Those were not the best of days,” he said. “I didn’t like the bayonet training.”
From as far back as I could remember, he didn’t speak much about this time of his life. Just a couple of things like how he would pour cold water on the same guy who took a shower.
My dad would be shaving at a sink, and this man would come in after everyone else had left.
“He liked to have the place to himself. And he would sing at the top of his lungs. He wasn’t that great of a singer.”
While he was in the stall, my dad would pour a cup of cold water on his head and quickly run back to the sink and go back to looking in the mirror.
“Who did that?” the man would yell, pulling back the shower curtain.
My dad, not giving any eye contact and keeping the blade to his face, would say,
“He went that way,” and would nod toward the door.
“He never caught on that it was me. I would let a few days go by in between to throw him off. He always asked me who it was but never thought it was me.”
Another event he went through was not as humorous.
“Was the worst part the guy who died? The one who wouldn’t listen to you?”
“Yes. I had to take his tags and send them to the family after he was killed.”
He put in all the work of getting young men ready for battle, and there was one who never followed his instructions.
“He was belligerent. Always talking back at me and would do what I said but always did something slightly to change it to what he thought was best.”
Just before being sent over to Korea, it was determined that my dad could not go. He had allergies that made his eyes water and burn, so it was decided to hold him back.
“I had trained them, and I didn’t get to go with them. That was not easy. I didn’t know who I would ever see again.”
The first to die was the man who thought he knew it all. A sniper hit him because he hadn’t followed instructions on entering a situation he found himself in, and he became an easy target.
“I tried to get him in line, but he just would not listen to me.”
My dad saw Proverbs 12:1 in action:
If you love learning, you love the discipline that goes with it—how shortsighted to refuse correction! (Message)
Whenever he reflects on this, I still see an incredible sadness overcome him. Like it was his fault in some way, and it haunts him.
I equate that to when we ignore God.
Some portray this as a fire and brimstone type of relationship where if we don’t follow orders, we are subjected to the hatred of God. But we aren’t.
In Ephesians 4:30, we find that we can cause a different reaction when we don’t follow the voice of God:
Don’t grieve God. Don’t break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don’t take such a gift for granted. (Message)
Being proactive is always better by asking for help and applying this instruction from Jeremiah 33:3:
“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.” (ESV)
What landmines and trouble could you avoid by asking for answers from the One who can see what you can’t? God doesn’t want a spiritual sniper to take you out prematurely from fulfilling what you were put on earth for.
I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. (Deuteronomy 3:19-20)
Above all else, our goal should be to follow God, do what we are told, and we will be granted from this life into heaven an honorable discharge.